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I wrote this whole long post yesterday, but the internet was being particularly obnoxious and I lost the whole thing!  So…here I am, trying again. 

I’m 27 weeks and 2 days today!  I snapped this picture yesterday afternoon amidst a very unglamorous day of cleaning bathrooms, organizing bookshelves, and finally attempting to put our master bedroom together (yep, that’s our bed still on the floor behind me!)  After a really busy and full weekend, it was nice just to take a day and try to get our lives back in order.  But let’s be honest, “order” is something I perpetually struggle with, so while some things were accomplished, I find myself trying to play catchup again today. 

That’s kind of been the theme of this pregnancy, in so many ways.  At the beginning I was feeling very sentimental, I wanted to cherish all the little moments of pregnancy knowing they would all be a series of goodbyes, this being our last.  I wanted beautiful belly pictures, a journal I kept from day one, regular blog posts on pregnancy, letters to this unborn child, etc, etc. 

Has this happened?  Not exactly.  Here I am, at the beginning of the third trimester.  While March 30th, the day I got the plus sign, feels like a very long time ago…it also feels like I just blinked my eyes and 27 weeks passed.  I haven’t documented as well as I’ve liked, I’ve complained more than I intended to, and in just three short months it will be over and this chapter of my life will close for good.  The thought of all of this brings a serious mixed bag of emotions. 

I’m going to take my own advice though, the advice I love passing out to everyone else…I’m giving myself grace.  I’m learning that I can acknowledge the miracle unfolding inside me without having to necessarily document every second of it.  I can enjoy the experience of baby kicks in the fleeting moments I notice them, while I chase my two boys around and clean the bathrooms.  I’m learning this is just what it means to be a busy wife and mother and homemaker extraordinaire, and I can’t get hung up on the small stuff. 

Just so I can say “I tried” though, I thought I would write down a few details about where I’m at right now:

The worst of my symptoms right now are just constant fatigue, swelling in my face and hands and ankles, waking up 4 or 5 times a night to go to the bathroom or massage out leg cramps, or the latest—restless legs syndrome!!  Oh, and let’s not forget my incredible mood swings and general feelings of irritation :-) 

I’ve gained anywhere from 20-23 pounds depending on the day and degree of my swelling. 

I continue to crave fresh fruits and sugary candy, particularly gummies, and really ice cold water. 

Zion is still really excited about having a new sister and asks tons of questions.  Phoenix still doesn’t quite understand, though he’s talking about it more.  He also claims to have a baby in his tummy too. 

Paul is still sweetly excited too, though I know he’s a pretty typical male in that the whole idea of pregnancy is hard for them to wrap their minds around sometimes.

Mostly, I’m just extremely excited to meet this baby girl and see what she’s going to be like—her personality (please pray for no colic this time!), what she looks like, how she’ll fit in with our boys and the whole family.  It’s going to be pretty special and I’m ready! 

With a little less than 17 weeks to go, we have definitely hit the point where baby Flower is blossoming (and making me blossom) beautifully! 

I’ve started my weekly progesterone (17p) shots finally, which are starting to exacerbate some of my symptoms.  The first shot I had to give to myself in the midwive’s office.  Picture this:  two children, both terrified of shots, Phoenix screaming bloody murder, Zion trying to climb into my lap.  Me, with my pants down as it has to be administered into my thigh.  My midwife, handing me a syringe with a needle 2 inches long, full of a thick oily progesterone.  Right as both kids let out a scream, I stab myself with the needle, resulting in severe muscle pain for 4 days.  Not a moment I care to repeat ever again!

Fortunately, my dear and loving husband offered to give me the shot this week, and he did a much better job at it!

From what I’ve read, everyone seems to react to these shots in different ways.  For me, I get more frequent headaches, muscle aches and pains (thought slightly less if it’s administered better than how I did it!), and for some reason the extra progesterone causes my body to swell, so from head to toe I have started retaining fluid.  I’ve also read these shots can increase the chances of insomnia, which I’ve had from day one of this pregnancy, so I’m not sleeping very well either. 

Aside from the effects of the shots, I don’t feel like my symptoms are too terrible this time.  Weight gain is steadily happening, especially now that I’ve got the extra fluid I’m retaining.  I’ve had some sciatic nerve pain, but nothing too crazy.  I think a large part of why I feel so good this time is thanks to the strict exercise regimen I was on before getting pregnant.  My muscles are in much better shape this time around than before Phoenix, so I don’t feel near as many problems in my hips and back, though I’m sure that will change as I get bigger later in the pregnancy! 

Emotionally, I’m all over the place.  I’ve been meaning to write more on here about all the things I’m thinking and feeling, but I oftentimes sit down and find my thoughts way too befuddled to put into words.  I have fears and worries, mostly regarding how the boys are going to react to the new baby and how the birth is going to go. 

I have no doubt that the act of giving birth will be just fine, I feel confident and at peace about the act itself.  My worries are more about where I’ll give birth.  I’m still going to the birth center about 1.5 hours from my house, and while I love it, I also know I have a history of QUICK labors, so I’m nervous about not making it there in time.  I’ve even started looking into home birth options, since I love the idea of being able to stay in one place once labor begins, however it’s looking like it’s going to be difficult to do that financially speaking…not to mention I’m less than thrilled with the thoughts of ever being transferred to the small hospital closest to our home.  I know transfers from home births are rare, but they do occur and I would want to know I would get the best care possible if that needed to happen. Then I think…would I rather endure being transferred there, or the possibility of giving birth on the side of the road on the way to the birth center??

SO…I have all of that to think about. 

When I feel overwhelmed with these thoughts, as corny as it might sound, I really only have to focus in on this baby girl inside me to feel better.  Her presence really does bring me peace and stillness.  It is still almost a jarring realization when it hits me…I feel so happy and so fulfilled knowing this child is going to be entering the world soon.  It feels so right, for lack of better words!  It’s jarring because I think with both boys I had so many doubts about myself and my ability to handle the task ahead.  That’s all I know of pregnancy is lots of uncertainty and lack of peace and depression.  This time I’m not struggling with depression, as in the past.  This time feels like we are all right where we’re supposed to be, and this little girl was meant to enter in at this moment. 

I think we are getting closer to settling on her name!  I’m not sure if we’ll announce it before or after she’s born, but I think it’s going to be so perfect.  When I hear Paul talk about it especially, it brings tears to my eyes because in some unknowing way we picked three names for our children that all fit together so beautifully.  A perfect beginning, middle, and ending. 

Paul, Zion, and Phoenix are all still very excited about her coming.  Phoenix is starting to understand a little more about what’s going on, and is requesting to “talk to baby” more often.  He likes to try and stick random crumbs from his meals in my belly button as “treats” for the baby, which I have to politely decline :-)  We’ve checked out lots of books from the library on preparing for a new baby.  There are some really great ones out there!

Despite the discomforts I’m feeling now and surely will over the next 17 weeks, I continue to do my best to soak in this time of life.  It’s such a unique and blessed time to be bringing a new life into the world. 

Dear little one,

I have this habit—after I’ve written something, I read it back to myself aloud.  A habit cultivated long ago by Dr. Cahill in AP English, senior year.  It’s helpful for me to check the flow of my words, and to spot misspellings or other errors. 

Why am I explaining this??  Because today as I sat down to write, I remembered that this is the week in which the tiny bones of your inner ear have formed enough to hear sounds.  So your little ears will be the first to hear this letter and anything else I write for that matter, for the next 24 weeks or so (and probably once you’re Earth-side too!)

Let’s hope you aren’t a tough critic.  Maybe we should set up a system—one kick means “that was awesome,” two kicks means “get back to work”—deal?

Speaking of kicks.  Last Friday night I was sitting with two of my sisters, eating a sub sandwich, when all the sudden you gave a nice hard kick!  It caught me so much by surprise that I said “Whoa!” and then had to immediately share the news with your aunties!  As if that wasn’t enough, when I snuggled up against your dad in bed that night, you gave yet another kick which was hard enough that he actually felt it! 

You’ve come a long way in just 16 weeks.  I’ve been feeling those little fluttery butterfly movements for a few weeks now, but now we’re up to the big-time stuff already.  This is the part of pregnancy that never ceases to amaze me.  It reminds me that though we are so intimately connected you feel just like a part of me…you are still your own little person who might take a notion to be still all day, or go to battle against the waistband of my pants.

I’m counting down the days till I can see your blurry outline on the ultrasound screen again (only 11 more to go!), and in the meantime I’m embracing this growth spurt we both seem to be in.

Everyday you become more of a reality…but always still the dream of my heart.

Love,

Mama

                                {Flower getting some horsey kisses}

We spent Father’s Day enjoying a lazy Sunday afternoon.  We took a walk to a sweet little horse farm in town and brought some carrots along to share with the horses. 

I loved the moment in the picture above.  We were all taking turns posing with this sweet horse, and when I stepped over beside him he was immediately attracted to my belly, even reaching out to give it a little lick!  Zion laughed so hard about this and said “Hey, he’s kissing Flower!”  Can’t help but wonder if this horse had some intuition about what’s going on inside my belly right now! 

    

Speaking of…on Sunday I rolled into week 15 of pregnancy.  I feel like it’s starting to sound more “real” now!  Funny thing is, most days I’m feeling so normal, that it doesn’t feelvery real.  All of the typical first trimester stuff has subsided for the most part, and while I’m feeling occasional bumps and thumps from baby, it’s nothing consistent enough to remind me there’s someone growing down there!  So it’s only when I walk past a mirror or see a picture of myself that I’m like Oooooh yes!  :-) 

    

We’ve been starting to discuss baby names a little, probably once we know the gender is 100% correct we’ll go ahead and share.  I’m looking forward to that stage of pregnancy, when “the baby” becomes “he/she” or a name! 
Zion is still as excited as ever, every week asking me how big the baby is, and still sending messages to baby via my belly button.  And in another very sweet moment this weekend, Phoenix lifted up my shirt and pointed to my stomach and said “Baby in belly??  Helllooooo” I think he’s starting to maybe understand now!

We had an appointment last week and I’m still measuring a little big, but nothing to worry about.  Paul got to come with me this time and hear that racing heartbeat for the first time.  I love how easy appointments are this go round…so far I don’t have a million questions like I did the first and even the second time.  It’s just pretty basic quick check that everything is okay and that’s it! 

My next appointment will be a little sooner, next Monday, and it’s just to start those 17 P shots I talked about before.  These are progesterone injections that are done weekly at home to help prevent another preterm birth.  They are not fun, as they tend to magnify the normal ails of pregnancy, but a necessary evil!  I will just try to enjoy the next few days as much as possible :-)

And that’s about it for my 15 week update!  Not a whole lot going on, just enjoying the growth and looking forward to the changes ahead! 

                                                {13 weeks 4 days}

I’m a few days early, but very soon I will officially be out of the first trimester!  Crazy to think at this point in my pregnancy with Phoenix we had not told a soul.  And this time…let’s be honest, could I really even hide this baby??

Every morning I like to feel around the parameters of my ever-growing uterus.  As of this morning it’s reached my belly button, which according to all the pregnancy websites happens around 20 weeks-ha!  Clearly this baby is already an overachiever. 

And can we talk about how exhausted I look here?  The haphazard hairdo, the Hanes t-shirt that has seen better days, the maternity jeans with factory-distressed details that Zion keeps telling me I need to throw away (“Mom, why would they MAKE something with holes in it??” says he).  I finally had to break down and wear maternity pants in the past week or two, my normal ones still fit, but this belly!  Dang. 

So, yes.  I can’t help but breathe a huge sigh of relief I made it this far.  With every pregnancy I grow more and more in awe of the miracle of life, and more and more aware that it is not something I should take for granted. 

This Friday I’m going to be getting an ultrasound.  I normally skip the first trimester screening, but this being our last (and yes, I say that everytime…I *think* we mean it this time), I kind of just want to do it all!  I really can’t wait to have a first glimpse of this little guy/gal growing in my belly.  Praying all goes well and I’ll be able to share a picture very soon!