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Excuse my vanity as I post this ridiculously old picture of myself.  20 years old, not a care in the world, walking over the Charles River in Boston, stopping to pose for a picture.  The wind picked up at just the right moment and I gave a smile to that younger version of Paul behind the camera. 

When I took this picture from one of Paul’s old albums on Facebook, I saved it to my computer under the file name “Old Me”.  That was the first name that came to mind. 

Sometimes I miss the Old Me.  Just the other day Paul and I were discussing some possible big changes ahead.  I don’t mind change…I have an adventurous spirit and yet I’ve come to terms with the fact my life right now doesn’t afford me much adventure, so a change in situation is about as good as it gets!  And yet, at that moment of conversation, I felt overwhelmed.  We have children depending on us, we have dreams we want to pursue, we have ourselves to stay true to. 

I looked over at Paul and said “All I want is to be back in college, sitting outside that little cafe in Beverly.  Alone.  Writing in my journal.” 

Perhaps five and a half years is not enough time to forget those old freedoms.  I could go anywhere on a whim, stay up all hours of the night, read when I wanted to, dream crazy dreams…I was so free. 

And here is where I should write some poignant paragraph about how *sigh*  I love my life just the way it is now…wouldn’t change it for the world…can’t go back after all, right? 

But, no.  I think sometimes I just want to sit in this place.  Sit in the memories and the longings.  Is that so wrong? 

Or am I just painting pictures of Egypt?

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I’ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

~Sara Groves